Happy silences

Por vezes fico muito calada. Como se tivesse zarpado para fora de mim. Um sinal a dizer Volto Já à porta e a conchinha vazia. O corpo não reage, o sistema desligou. Offline. É o que parece. E a pergunta vem sempre: Estás bem? Ficaste tão calada de repente. Estás triste?

Não. Pelo contrário. O corpo não se move porque a alma não respira. Não tem espaço para isso. A felicidade espalha-se do interior até às paredes de pele. Mais e mais a cada dia. Sufoca e engole palavras. Cristaliza qualquer tipo de resposta. Fico com um sorriso idiota estampado no rosto e mais nada. Também que mais é preciso? Sou feliz e basta.

The unexpected self

I have lived most of my life indoors and inside myself. So I kept thinking, picturing, imagining how I would be out there. How I'd feel and what responses and reactions I'd have. Theory became so clear that I was positive there was no room for mistake. I knew myself inside and out and was sure of it.

I was wrong. Thank God, I was so wrong! It turns out I'm bigger that myself. Much, much bigger. So many times this year I thought I'd freeze or pull away and I didn't. Numerous times, I didn't. Some little spark in me pushed me forwards into so many things that turned out to be great. Because a tiny fraction of myself - something that now grows without fear - decided to not be afraid of the unknown. And that made all the difference :)

No ouvido # 4

On loop for days

Watch how I soar*

Today, when looking for my CV, I came across a wide range of half forgotten things. Audio files, videos and photos of several things I've done in the past few years. Little by little I have touched so many things that I love. Sang in a choir. Sang solo. Danced a lot. Did two little plays. A musical and a musical medley. I have grown out of that feeble little girl that yarned for the stage and spotlights but never even dared to try. I have tried. I loved it. And I love myself for it.

*Serenity

What are you hiding, my friends?

Sometimes I look at sentences for ages, staring and wondering what do they truly mean. What is lying under the surface. Mmmm...

Be happy, funny and whimsical

Life's too short for seriousness.

Dear visitors

I would love to write here. To post. And I bet that if I tried it wouldn't be hard at all. But somethings are better left unsaid. Or at least unshared.

If you want to help, don't help!

Sometimes it's true that if you want something done right do it yourself. It's easier and quicker than having someone "helping" you out and then cleaning up their mess. I want help, of course I do. I've had eight years of this and I'm beyond and beyond fed up. But if you want to help, please, don't make it worse. Thank you.

SYTYCD 7 - Lauren (Spoilers!)

At Last

It takes a village

Where I grew up the policy was to always help others but never ask for help yourself, unless it was absolutely unavoidable. Each person should learn how to fix their own problems. A person's burdens, secrets, problems and worries should be kept private. No telling or sharing, no asking for a helping hand. Also displays of affection where uncommon and perceived as unnecessary; people should know for themselves their were loved and that was it.

I'm not like that. Nor do I want to be. I'm more of a it takes a village philosophy. People helping each other, talking, sharing and letting other people know they care. I ask for help all the time. Not because I can't handle it on my own (of course I sometimes can't; what to say? I'm only human), but a lot of times because I want to let people in, to let them be involved in my life. If helping others makes me feel so good and useful (and happy for the other person that no longer has a problem) why on earth should I feel embarassed to ask for help myself? And I'm a blabbermouth about my life. Seriously! I share my troubles like you wouldn't believe. Yes, sometimes I go a little overboard. But what are friends for if not to tell me to shut my big yapper? As for affection; I'm still getting used to it. But I'm bound to get there someday soon :)

I like people. Honest! Big fan here! And I want to let them in. It's that simple. And why not a village?