Eyes on the prize

Summer is here. Time is flying by fast, speeding up like a train leaving the station. Summer is here and I don't get to enjoy it as I used to. But it's for a good cause. I'm preparing to leave. To have a life of my own. And however tough and different it might be I know I won't be alone and I know I can manage. And for the first time I will have a say when it comes to how far am I willing to sacrifice for others. Mind you, I'm not saying I won't do it ever again. But it'll be my choice. And you can't put a price on that.

That's how I feel right now...

Luckily in about 40 days I won't have to ever again :)

Conquering cultural references

- I feel like my whole life I've been traveling on the B417 when I could have been on the M6.

- What do you want to go to Birmingham for?*

I got 50% of that reference even before the punch line. Yay for me!

*My Family, Season 1

Shapes of times to come

Last thrusday a bit before dinner I arrived in Walsall once again. The wolf had the week off and so we had ourselves a three-day weekend. And gosh did I need one! Anyhoot, yesterday was the first time ever we spent a work day together, on both sides. And even though we weren't at full speed, it was quite an experience. Getting up at seven, then he off at work and me working from my laptop at home. Me finding my own way around this house and this country. He coming home and we fitting your schedules and routines together. And I have to say that even though it wasn't perfect, for a first time we did amazingly well. But then again, we always do ;)

And now that the second day is coming to an end I have only one thought in my mind: I like where this is going and I can't wait to have more of this. Like every single day :)

Come to the whimsical side...

... life is so much sunnier here. Especially if you have a wolf to share your life with <3

Responsibility

If you have a kid that tiny person becomes your responsibility. If you screw up - whatever the situation - you deal with the consequences. In life as you go along you gain responsibilities for your actions and because that's part of growing up - getting your own set of responsibilities.

And it sickens me that such a chunk of my responsibilities are not really my own. They get passed on because there's no one else. It's not my kid that I spend days looking after. It wasn't a husband or a boss that I kept running errands for when I was supposed to be focusing on this final phase.

And what's more infuriating is that I don't get to deal with my own responsibilities - I'm expected to delay or ignore them - to tend to other people's business. People, might I add, that although they had a responsibility towards me decided to do nothing. On so many occasions I was supposed to be protected, loved and heard but instead they stood watching. Motionless. And I was just a child. And I grew up and I never asked for anything from any of them. So why, pray tell, should I put myself on the line for them? For people who are dead and never once stood my by side? Because of blood for blood's sake?

How do you leave the past behind when it keeps finding ways to get to your heart?*

This is probably a good idea-bad idea post. Meaning that it makes total sense today and tomorrow I'll probably regret having pressed publish.

I am very proud of the choices I've made this past year. It has taken a lot of sacrifice and a lot of hard work to get to this point. But right now that means zero. I'm hungry for the stage. For dancing and singing and having classes together with old mates. I miss it and I feel there's this massive gap in my heart that cannot be otherwise fulfilled.

It's incredible to see friends accomplish so much on stage. To conquer an entire musical. But I'd be lying if I didn't admit that part of me squirms with envy.

I'm not that much of a child to say O alas! That door has closed! O poor me! I know that somewhere along the (hopefully very long) road that is my life new opportunities will present themselves. But right now it pains me so very much that I can't have that. And there's nothing for me to do but carry on and hope for the best.

*Rent

I can so relate to this...

It's just one of those days

Born to save a life

A lot of times I feel like a child that was born to save a sibling from leukaemia or something. I was born with a purpose - to safe a life. Actually, more than one. And I was never asked. It was automatically expected of me, as if it was my whole raison d'être. It's a heavy burden and it's keeping me from treading my own path. And people don't see it; I'm here, so - obviously - I must be part of the solution and bam! there goes my life. So I'm going to leave this place. Make them perceive reality without me in it. Make them come up with different solutions. And I'll journey far, far away. Enough so I can save another life - my own.