Coming clean

Lately I haven't been feeling very well. Well, actually, not lately; it's been going on for almost six months now. Since I moved to the UK my life changed a great deal, and yet somehow it's like I'm waiting for it to start. And I don't really know why. Maybe it's the slow start at my new job, but it kind of feels like not much has changed. There's plans and things I want to do that, at the moment, I can't start yet. And I'm so tired of waiting. Then I'm missing so much from my old life that at times I don't even recognize myself. I miss my family and my friends. I miss the sun and the city where I lived all my life. I miss going out. I miss singing and dancing and being on stage. I miss going to the movies. I miss my stuff. And all that is taking its toll on me. It's like a big chunk of my life, my routine, my personality, the person that I was is gone and I haven't figured out how to fill the empty spaces yet.

Right now I feel sparkless. Like I have no drive, nothing that compells me to move forwards, to be better. I have come up with plans and goals to keep myself entertained and moving on some sort of direction. Exercising, watching my diet, doing yoga, reading and doing some serious house work. Still most things I can't keep them up for more than a few days. It's as if my spirit is broken and all my best efforts come tumbling down like a house of cards at the first breeze. And part of me can't understand. I should be happy. I'm living with the love of my life. I moved to a foreign country and started a new life here. I didn't think I had the guts to do it, but I did it. I have conquered so much. Where has all that strength gone?

I have tried letting things run their course. I have licked my wounds. But still I don't feel my energy coming back to me. Every passing day my eyes look more and more empty as I look in the mirror. And it's begun to affect my relationship as well. I don't feel like the person that I was when all this started. I feel tiny and weak. I know change is inevitable, this still doesn't account for all the wretchedness, for all the numbness I feel inside. It's like I've fallen into a well and I'm scratching and clawing at the walls but I simply can't get out.

I don't even know what to say anymore. Tomorrow's internal assembly day. A day to detox, refocus and come up with another new plan. And then lets start over. I won't delude myself into thinking I won't fall off the wagon. I'm just hoping this time I'll get farther down the road and that whenever I fall (inevitably we all do) I'll take less time to get back on track again. I think I'm ready to start again!