Thursday, September 30, 2010


Decided this space needed some drastic change. Name and all. It's only natural, given all the personal growth there's been around these parts. I'm a totally different person, I'm a meerkat now!

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Speed of sound*

When August kicked in I was plain old ordinary me. As I've always been. Now September is near its end and I'm facing someone completely different. I have leaped and grown more in couple months than I have in years. On so many levels. Every day I look in the mirror in awe. Seriously, it's nothing short of amazing what you can do when you're truly happy and when you start loving yourself. And others too :)


Monday, September 27, 2010

One day...

... I'll say See you tomorrow! and really mean it :)

I'm a good girl, I am*

Exam in about 24 hours...

*My Fair Lady

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Forward and back

It's getting increasingly hard. To think baby steps. I'm tired. As Tegan and Sara sing, I wake up exhausted. Like someone stuck a straw on my brain and sucked it dry. As the day approaches it's harder to keep thinking this is nothing. Just an ordinary exam.

I've been put into an unfair situation. As if people want us to fail by waiting until the very last minute and then dropping an anvil on us with no warning whatsoever. But I kept moving forward. Slow progress, but progress nonetheless.

As the day gets closer I feel smaller. Dumber. More and more tired. Like my brain has been bullied. Or been put into a blender. More and more of me wants to sit down in a corner and forget. Let the wave pass over me. And yet I keep going. But it's harder and harder to ignore the voices. I'm four again, and I'm scared, and mommy is not herself. It's that same terror. It's that desperate cry to turn on the tv and forget the world. Live in a state of numbness.

And I can't. Because the truth is I'm not four anymore. I'm four and twenty. And so, as much as it hurts, as much as it drains me sick, I have to find the strength to keep standing. I have to believe. And I have to keep going, even when the strength to believe has run out.

Just for this final stretch. And forget the word final, because it gives me the creeps.


- ... e como é que se chama a cadeira?

- Tradutologia.

- Traumatologia?

- Pois, também serve.

Monday, September 13, 2010

That's *just* it

I was sitting in that same chair. Talking and moving my hands, like I always do. My words were going in circles. I was repeating myself. Saying things that always led to the same conclusion. Talking and talking and talking, trying to convey what it really meant, how it really felt.

- ... and... and...

- ... you love him. That's just it, isn't it?, he asked.

And all I could do was look up, into his eyes. And nod.

Thursday, September 09, 2010

Joy kicks in at 5 pm

People within a person

I am many people. We all are. It depends on where and who we are with. Me as a professional. Me as a member of a family. Me as a friend. Me in love. Many, many mes.

As a survival mechanism I have grown to be a little detatched, even cold at times with the people with whom I was supposed to have the closest bond. The people that should - in theory - allow me to be myself. But no. I have walls and fences. I need to.

As the years went by I was often terrified that that was the true me. That I was broken beyond repair and could never be the loving person I knew was somewhere inside. Was the coldness crystalizing inside of me, making me slightly but permanently bitter? Fear and many questions.

Now I am happy. Because (again) as Elphaba sings, I'm not that girl. I just have another me that doesn't exactly define me as a whole, only my history with a certain group of people. And that double personality was born for a reason, it serves a purpose, and so I cannot feel guilty for its existence. Instead I should (and do) feel happy, for I am many, many other things.

And I can love. Wholeheartedly and... effortlessly.

Tuesday, September 07, 2010


V. - I'm a mess.

S. - We're all a mess. Don't you know that by now? All I know is I don't mind finding out... who you are.

Private Practice, S.02xE.11

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

Heil myself*

*The producers

Of choices

Things change. You evolve, you move forward. And so things change. No matter how much you try days will continue to have only 24 hours. It's a bit like juggling; you can try and add more balls, but at some point if you cross your own limits it'll all fall down.

So you make choices. It breaks my heart that I can't do musicals this year, but it's for a good cause; a greater cause, a better future. So I make my peace with it. I can't have everything. And it only makes me cherish what I do have so much more.

Sadly I'm the only one here thinking like this. They're all happy and proud(?) to see me grow. To see good things happening in my life, and with it good people. And yet resent me for not having as much time for them. But if this is an attempt to make me feel self-conscious about wanting to spread my wings and fly, then pout all you want and see if I care...