Yesterday, as I was watching bits and pieces of the royal wedding, I realised how much more in-tune with the English way of living, thinking and functioning I've become. The architecture doesn't strike me as odd as it did before and the weather seems much easier to live with than it seemed to be nearly a year ago when I first thought about this (seriously, I mean). Of course those are just examples! The key thing here is that I can't wait to take that final step. I can't wait to start my life. And I'm extremely happy with the place I chose to do it in.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Today L. got a package on the mail from her daughter. It was a a book and a card for mother's day. And somewhere inside I smiled. Because now I too have someone in my life who pampers me. Who stands by my side and tells me he loves me. Just because, no questions or demands. And it's not a game, there's no strategy and no brownie points. I am loved and I get to hear the words and see all the wonderful gestures. And it feels amazing.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
I'm thankful for having the wolf in my life. He is the most wonderful person I know and nothing could thrill me more than to share my life with him. And I'm thankful for the few days we get to spend together, even if we have to wait seven weeks at a time to meet again.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Forgiveness is the christian value. It is supposed to set you free. Like a balloon that is untied from the brick that's holding it down. Right now I'm mad at someone. And though people tell me that holding a grudge won't take me anywhere and will only eat me from inside, I don't want to forgive. I can't. Because forgiveness means making light of something that really hurted me and should never have taken place to start with. Forgiveness means patting myself on the back and saying everything is alright when it isn't. Forgiveness is something people want from me so we can all be happy and merry again and pretend nothing ever happened when it did. Forgiveness means trampling the person that I am and saying her feelings don't matter and that she has no reason to be upset. And I deserve better.
Friday, April 15, 2011
My uncle had what I would call a good death. He was out in the garden, he fell, he never got up again. Quick and (and least so I was told) painless. If I may say so, it was as good a time to die as could be expected. His parents were gone, his sister was gone, he never had a family of his own, it was just the nephews - my brother and me. He died knowing that my brother was recovering from a long illness and is now his own self again and back to school. He is in good hands. As for me, he was so much luckier than grandma. He got to see me finish my major, do the masters and start the internship. He saw me in love and met the man I want to share my life with. He knew about my plans for the future and could see how well and happy I can (and hopefully will) be. And he got to see me running around for the last few months running so many errands he couldn't do himself. For that I hope he is happy and grateful. I'm not that saddened by his parting, because his life was settled. He had no more ambitions or dreams to fulfill, his loved ones were either gone or about to move on with their own lives in places far away and all he had to do was stay in his own little corner and wait for death, how ever long it took. (Un)fortunately he didn't have to wait long.
And there it is. My uncle died yesterday. He called me two days ago. I don't even know why, I cut him off right away saying I'm in France right now and will call you monday. And once again there will be no monday. And he was the last one on my mother's side. I feel like half of my family has died with him. And all the stories and all that part of my heritage is gone. Despite the nature of our relationship, I feel like half of me is now irretrievable.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Love makes people do crazy things. It makes us reckless and willing to take chances and leaps even if before we were afraid of so many simpler actions. For some it's jumping out the window and getting sand in their shoes. For me it was getting on a plane for a weekend alone and having my first kiss in a coach station with a half eaten sandwich in my hand.
*Love Boat opening theme
More and more English words are creeping up in my speech. This is how t begins; just one inocuous little word once in a while. Then it speeds up to a point where I can't even express myself half decently in my own native tongue. And that's bad. Especially when Portuguese is the language I work with and spent my days translating into.
Saturday, April 02, 2011
I want everything I see and everything I read about. Waking up next to each other every day, our daily routine somehow finding some harmony, reading in bed before going to sleep. Watching movies together on the couch. Making meals, redecorating, sharing chores. Going away for a weekend just because we can. Not counting days. Having a cupboard just for mugs. Having a cork board with musical tickets and Shakespeare posters next to his poster of the Enterprise. Trips to ikea and assembling furniture together. Buying a blue cd tower. Driving to places on his car. Finding my own routine. Making is house our home. And so much more I'm afraid to voice it. Things so well into the future that I fear jinxing it or sounding too girly and silly. I could dream well into our eighties. But as the musical character Harold Hill puts it, you pile up enough tomorrows and you'll find you are left with nothing but a lot of empty yesterdays.
Friday, April 01, 2011
Sometimes I just want to skip ahead. There's so many dreams and so much love. So much for us to live together. And I'm stuck here. Granted, eight months have gone by, only three more to go. Granted, I have done a lot. Finished translation studies (in only a week, which makes me a rock star), started the internship, took 7 kg of my stuff to our place, worked in the book section at el corte inglés, did a Spanish A2 level course, met his whole family, he met mine, I bought a laptop and tools to help me get my life going once I move there. But still... I guess it's just sheer anticipation. The feeling you have the second right before you start running, before you make a big move. I want it all. Starting with living together and then moving on and on and on, all the way into a long and bright future together. And I can wait to start living it.