Sometimes I feel like I'm just trying to pretend that I don't care. That all of this is just an act that by hook or crook I can never give away. I must always play the part. Even when occasionally I don't know who I am and what the hell I'm doing here or why. I feel phony. Fake. Liar. Hypocrite. And I get tired. And mad. And I hyperventilate. Still I'm stuck. Then I remember the other side of all this. The politically correct and happy-optimistic point of view. I'm currently focusing on other parts of my life. It's a nice to put it, isn't it? Sounds so much like a conscious, grown-up choice. So wise and admirable. Too bad I can't exactly believe it myself.