recuperando de desgostos e noites em branco
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
The trouble with people
It's only been three weeks and I'm already a wreck. Breaking point right ahead. It's not the work itself, it's the people. I'm used to managing a lot of things at once. But people are a hell of a pain. It's that look on their face. I can see it in their eyes, they must think that just because I don't have a job I spend all day lying on the couch doing nothing. That I'm just being lazy. That I could do more if I really wanted to. That I should this and not do that. Yes, everyone has something to say. Everyone thinks they could pull it off better.
And it hurts to know that I've sacrificed all I could to make it this far. Family time. Social life. Personal time. I have no life besides this. I've cut and cut and cut. My existence is all about the masters and the School of Musicals (and even here I'm behind!). Some criticize my lack of social life, that I'm overworking. They say I'm too young for this, I should go out, be with my friends, date, have fun, do normal things people my age do. Others think I should quit whatever little crumbs I have left. Go the whole hog and then some.
It kills me inside. I can cope with having tons of things to do, going to bed tired, waking up with a huge to-do list on my nightstand. But going far beyond what I can usually take, doing my very best to keep afloat, to keep everything up and running and then having people at my back... That is the last straw. I'm working my hardest. Is it too much to ask for a little support and encouragement??
Besides, this is only the third week. If I start pulling all-nighters and hiding in the bunker now I will not make it to April. This is a marathon, not a sprint. I will not cross the threshold of what my body can handle only to have a nervous breakdown in the middle of a test or a presentation. Been there, done that, learned my lesson.
Thank you very much. Good night.
And it hurts to know that I've sacrificed all I could to make it this far. Family time. Social life. Personal time. I have no life besides this. I've cut and cut and cut. My existence is all about the masters and the School of Musicals (and even here I'm behind!). Some criticize my lack of social life, that I'm overworking. They say I'm too young for this, I should go out, be with my friends, date, have fun, do normal things people my age do. Others think I should quit whatever little crumbs I have left. Go the whole hog and then some.
It kills me inside. I can cope with having tons of things to do, going to bed tired, waking up with a huge to-do list on my nightstand. But going far beyond what I can usually take, doing my very best to keep afloat, to keep everything up and running and then having people at my back... That is the last straw. I'm working my hardest. Is it too much to ask for a little support and encouragement??
Besides, this is only the third week. If I start pulling all-nighters and hiding in the bunker now I will not make it to April. This is a marathon, not a sprint. I will not cross the threshold of what my body can handle only to have a nervous breakdown in the middle of a test or a presentation. Been there, done that, learned my lesson.
Thank you very much. Good night.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Cadências domésticas
A nossa casa tem um ritmo próprio. Horários e modos de fazer as coisas. E as pessoas no seu interior vão se encaixando no tempo umas das outras. Eu adoro estas coisas. Vivo para a rotina. Adoro-a de paixão, faz-me sentir segura e confortável. Portanto sou apaixonada pela a sua cadência relativamente regular.
Eu levanto-me pelas nove, banho, pequeno-almoço. O pai levanta-se a horas indefinidas, pequeno-almoço e banho. Depois das voltinhas nos mails e redes sociais, começa-se a trabalhar por volta das dez, dez e meia. À uma almoça-se. Sopa e o prato principal. Trabalha-se até às cinco e meia com várias pequenas pausas para falar com o Zé. Depois é faculdade, cappuccino, aulas, casa. Sopa. O pai nunca se sabe quando chega e se ainda vem jantar ou não. Computador, mails, traduções e leituras emaranhados até à uma e meia, duas da manhã. Às quintas, de quinze em quinze dias, vou almoçar com a octagenária ou trato de assuntos domésticos (compras, telefonemas que envolvem ficar horas à espera a ouvir a mesma musiquinha irritante). À noite a C. vem cá para casa. Sextas, depois da psico-terapia, há uma horinha e tal de televisão. Sábados eles passeiam, eu ando pelos musicais. Chego às dez e tal a casa. Caio na cama e esqueço o resto do mundo. Domingos faz-se o mínimo de trabalho possível e à noite é serão familiar. Banho do Zé, jantar take out, sessão de cinema a quatro e muito de vez em quando um joguinho de poker.
É uma vida boa :)
Eu levanto-me pelas nove, banho, pequeno-almoço. O pai levanta-se a horas indefinidas, pequeno-almoço e banho. Depois das voltinhas nos mails e redes sociais, começa-se a trabalhar por volta das dez, dez e meia. À uma almoça-se. Sopa e o prato principal. Trabalha-se até às cinco e meia com várias pequenas pausas para falar com o Zé. Depois é faculdade, cappuccino, aulas, casa. Sopa. O pai nunca se sabe quando chega e se ainda vem jantar ou não. Computador, mails, traduções e leituras emaranhados até à uma e meia, duas da manhã. Às quintas, de quinze em quinze dias, vou almoçar com a octagenária ou trato de assuntos domésticos (compras, telefonemas que envolvem ficar horas à espera a ouvir a mesma musiquinha irritante). À noite a C. vem cá para casa. Sextas, depois da psico-terapia, há uma horinha e tal de televisão. Sábados eles passeiam, eu ando pelos musicais. Chego às dez e tal a casa. Caio na cama e esqueço o resto do mundo. Domingos faz-se o mínimo de trabalho possível e à noite é serão familiar. Banho do Zé, jantar take out, sessão de cinema a quatro e muito de vez em quando um joguinho de poker.
É uma vida boa :)
This is what I get for Elinor mode
Não bastava a pilha de papel continuar do mesmo tamanho e as dores de cabeça, agora os dentes do siso acordaram e ainda andam aos pontapés aos ouvidos. Da próxima mantenho-me irresponsável!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
My inner child smiles :)
Betty Botter bought some butter,
"But," she said, "the butter's bitter;
If I put it in my batter,
It will make my batter bitter;
But a bit of better butter,
That would make my batter better."
So she bought a bit of butter,
Better than her bitter butter,
And she put it in her batter,
And the batter was not bitter;
So 'twas better Betty Botter
Bought a bit of better butter.
"But," she said, "the butter's bitter;
If I put it in my batter,
It will make my batter bitter;
But a bit of better butter,
That would make my batter better."
So she bought a bit of butter,
Better than her bitter butter,
And she put it in her batter,
And the batter was not bitter;
So 'twas better Betty Botter
Bought a bit of better butter.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Sick of hermit mode
This would be a great night for cuddling. I got home to my work pile (same thing every day and night for three weeks now) and am working through it trying to ignore this yearning for something more. Some words of encouragement, someone to listen, to hug, to cuddle. I miss touch. Tonight I don't feel like playing the independent woman.
Birthday nº24
- Tutoria de Tradutologia
- Sesta para recuperar de uma noite extremamente mal dormida
- Almoço light
- Continuação da tradução de um conto de Truman Capote
- Ida ao cinema - An Education
- Continuação da tradução do conto
- Jantar com a família no Lusitana
Ora aqui está! A minha recepção aos 24.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Toaster epiphanies
Ultimamente ando tão ocupada que assim que acabo uma coisa passo logo para outra sem tempo para reflexões ou devaneios. E depois, quando há aquelas pausas que a nível intelectual não servem para nada (elevadores, viagens de carro, banhos, esperas pelo apito da torradeira), surgem-me imagens de um passado recente mas já mais que arrumado. E fico incrédula comigo.
Fui eu que, depois de cantarolar o Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, consegui marrar um capítulo inteiro de matéria numa tarde e numa noite?
Fui mesmo eu quem se encostou ao piano no intervalo de sábado e abriu a voz para o All that Jazz como se não houvesse amanhã, como se não estivesse ninguém na sala?
Eu sei que não é novidade nenhuma (e provavelmente está a ficar cansativo de ler), mas estou mesmo a gostar dos desenvolvimentos deste mês.
Fui eu que, depois de cantarolar o Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, consegui marrar um capítulo inteiro de matéria numa tarde e numa noite?
Fui mesmo eu quem se encostou ao piano no intervalo de sábado e abriu a voz para o All that Jazz como se não houvesse amanhã, como se não estivesse ninguém na sala?
Eu sei que não é novidade nenhuma (e provavelmente está a ficar cansativo de ler), mas estou mesmo a gostar dos desenvolvimentos deste mês.
48 # 365
trago comigo a minha própria luz
...
e dá muito jeito, já que a faculdade quer poupar na iluminação das escadas
Atenção mundo:
depois de passada a febre (e depois de me esquecer que sequer houve alarido sobre a questão), posso anunciar a passagem do S. Valentim mais pacífico de sempre. Incidentes: zero. Isto, caríssimos leitores, é um feito inédito. Sem precedentes.
Soltem os confettis!
Mesmo depois de tanta picada no domingo (Vá lá, Joana, faz-nos lá esse jeito... é S. Valentim... (sub-texto: já que não tens mais nada que fazer...)) a situação foi encarada com uma tranquilidade que deixa profundamente orgulhosa. Avançou-se nas leituras (que começa a ser condição sine qua non dos meus dias), viu-se metade do Oliver!, bebeu-se um cappuccino de soja, voltou-se às leituras e assim se passou o dia. Isto é um marco!
Soltem os balões!
Soltem os confettis!
Mesmo depois de tanta picada no domingo (Vá lá, Joana, faz-nos lá esse jeito... é S. Valentim... (sub-texto: já que não tens mais nada que fazer...)) a situação foi encarada com uma tranquilidade que deixa profundamente orgulhosa. Avançou-se nas leituras (que começa a ser condição sine qua non dos meus dias), viu-se metade do Oliver!, bebeu-se um cappuccino de soja, voltou-se às leituras e assim se passou o dia. Isto é um marco!
Soltem os balões!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
The speed of despair
O que me assusta não é a pilha de trabalho. O que me assusta é a incapacidade de avançar. De ficar com os pés presos num bloco de cimento e ver mais e mais trabalho a cair-me em cima.
Hoje disse que em duas horas leria dezoito páginas. Li oito. E não percebi nenhuma. Limito-me a destrinçar aquilo que precisa (ou não) de ser sublinhado para depois (um depois que não faço ideia onde vou arranjar) reler.
Tenho duzentas páginas para ler até domingo à noite. Estou aterrorizada. Esta velocidade gela-me a espinha.
Dá-me vontade de chorar quando depois de uma tarde inteira a estudar esta porcaria de alma e coração só avancei dez ou quinze páginas. E ver que deixei tudo para trás durante os últimos cinco dias - os afazeres domésticos, as outras cadeiras, as minhas pausas e tempo livre - e só consegui esbracejar até à página 47. É triste.
Hoje disse que em duas horas leria dezoito páginas. Li oito. E não percebi nenhuma. Limito-me a destrinçar aquilo que precisa (ou não) de ser sublinhado para depois (um depois que não faço ideia onde vou arranjar) reler.
Tenho duzentas páginas para ler até domingo à noite. Estou aterrorizada. Esta velocidade gela-me a espinha.
Dá-me vontade de chorar quando depois de uma tarde inteira a estudar esta porcaria de alma e coração só avancei dez ou quinze páginas. E ver que deixei tudo para trás durante os últimos cinco dias - os afazeres domésticos, as outras cadeiras, as minhas pausas e tempo livre - e só consegui esbracejar até à página 47. É triste.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Family clashes
Lately I've pictured my family as two different clans. Like something out of a comic book. Light and darkness. And me in the middle, being lured. Suddenly so many things make (renewed) sense. We are so different. Too different. Some struggle through life, others settle. And I'm the link. Where blood meets blood. I could pin-point which parts come from which clan. And I'm amazed to find that most of by own darkness comes from Settlers and most of what's good is the Strugglers heritance. I'm being overdramatic about it but I'm still learning to see. To describe the epiphany*
*brought to light while listening to The Dark I Know Well, Spring Awakening
Friday, February 12, 2010
Evolution and change
(Lets see if this post doesn't jinxs it!)
First an introduction: This post has been a-brewing for some time now and as I was watching the Valentine Grey's Anatomy episode it just kinda blurted out. I'd say more, but I can't twist and turn around it without spoiling the episode for whoever wants to see it, so I'll shut up about it now.
I noticed that for the last couple of months I've grown more... put-together. Calmer. I've let go of things I loved because I had to and didn't break out sobbing about it. Valentine's nearly here and I'm still standing strong and sturdy (look at that alliteration!!). My patience has been thoroughly tested in a number of situations and yet I didn't loose it. I've rearranged and slightly reinvented myself. It's like having my id and superego on couples therapy! They're still learning how to cohabitate peacefully and though it feels weird, they occasionally manage to hold hands.
I'm becoming the change. Bit by bit I'm getting there. Even if sometimes I have do something extreme to keep parts of me alive and viable. To keep me from standing still. I choose to change. And it makes me proud.
First an introduction: This post has been a-brewing for some time now and as I was watching the Valentine Grey's Anatomy episode it just kinda blurted out. I'd say more, but I can't twist and turn around it without spoiling the episode for whoever wants to see it, so I'll shut up about it now.
I noticed that for the last couple of months I've grown more... put-together. Calmer. I've let go of things I loved because I had to and didn't break out sobbing about it. Valentine's nearly here and I'm still standing strong and sturdy (look at that alliteration!!). My patience has been thoroughly tested in a number of situations and yet I didn't loose it. I've rearranged and slightly reinvented myself. It's like having my id and superego on couples therapy! They're still learning how to cohabitate peacefully and though it feels weird, they occasionally manage to hold hands.
I'm becoming the change. Bit by bit I'm getting there. Even if sometimes I have do something extreme to keep parts of me alive and viable. To keep me from standing still. I choose to change. And it makes me proud.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Anvils keep falling on my head
Alguém encomendou mais três bigornas? Pois aqui estão elas: mais três artiguinhos para ler para a próxima aula... Ah, e umas definiçõezinhas... em alemão... E façam fichas de leitura... Isto está bonito, está...
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
Chovem bigornas e calhaus grandes
Hoje é daqueles dias em que parece que do nada nos cai uma bigorna em cima.
O meu horário em papel, todo arranjadinho numa tabela às cores, é uma coisa linda de se ver. Parece tão inofensivo e espaçoso. Tão longe de ser verdade. E agora, com mais esta em cima, começo a fazer as contas à vida. Sobretudo ao tempo e à energia.
Hoje é dia de pegar num saco de papel e controlar a hiperventilação que ameaça assolar-me a qualquer instante. Olho para a quantidade monstruosa de afazeres académicos, domésticos e artísticos e nem sei por onde começar. Acho que não interessa. Vou pegar num texto ao calhas e começar a despachar papel e a acalmar a ansiedade. Quando me fartar faço um plano do resto. O importante é manter a calma e o guarda-chuva aberto.
Monday, February 08, 2010
Sunday, February 07, 2010
Saturday, February 06, 2010
Friday, February 05, 2010
The princess and the frog
I just came back from the movies with my aunt. We went to see The princess and the frog. It felt like a trip back to my childhood days. I missed the traditional Disney animation so much! It has songs, an adorable storyline, lovable characters and the old values movies from my time had. And it's a children picture, which sounds silly and yet it's so refreshing. The last traditional movie Disney made was Mulan, I guess (and that was what... 1999?). From then on came movies like Shrek, Madagascar and Ice Age that - despite being animated movies - were targeted to a much older audience. Just think of all the references!
So this one is a true pearl. It left me teary-eyed and I feel so happy little girls and boys can get a chance to experience what we had in our day. And thanks, Disney Studios, for bringing the old magic back.
So this one is a true pearl. It left me teary-eyed and I feel so happy little girls and boys can get a chance to experience what we had in our day. And thanks, Disney Studios, for bringing the old magic back.
Thursday, February 04, 2010
Wednesday, February 03, 2010
Tossing and turning
Right now is nearly six a.m. I'm at my cousin's. I feel like Robinson Crusoe writing this down. I can't sleep. Can manage elaborate thinking and yet a few things come to mind:
Why isn't there a lamp with a single bulb? Why is everything so chandelier-like? I can't turn on a light without waking up the entire house! Oh, by the way, my cousins are incapable of sleeping with the bedroom doors shut, so I'm writing this on cellphone light... pathetic... Keep thinking of that very nice flash light I have in my car and haven't used yet.
I'm lying on one of those pop up beds. My back hurts. And there's an extra bed that's all comfy and empty. Except they won't let me sleep in it cause it's in the closed veranda and it's cold out there. Which is a stupid argument, I mean, they let me sleep there in the Summerwhen the place's hotter than hell but in Winter when a person can adjust temperature close to perfection with the help of some extra blankets they say no!!!
I'm grumpy. And tired and bored. Experts say that at some point you should stop tossing and turning and go do something until you get sleepy. But what can a person do all by herself in the dark... (lets pretend here that you readers don't have dirty minds). I can't read (requires more light than to write), can't watch TV... What then??... Crap!
Why isn't there a lamp with a single bulb? Why is everything so chandelier-like? I can't turn on a light without waking up the entire house! Oh, by the way, my cousins are incapable of sleeping with the bedroom doors shut, so I'm writing this on cellphone light... pathetic... Keep thinking of that very nice flash light I have in my car and haven't used yet.
I'm lying on one of those pop up beds. My back hurts. And there's an extra bed that's all comfy and empty. Except they won't let me sleep in it cause it's in the closed veranda and it's cold out there. Which is a stupid argument, I mean, they let me sleep there in the Summerwhen the place's hotter than hell but in Winter when a person can adjust temperature close to perfection with the help of some extra blankets they say no!!!
I'm grumpy. And tired and bored. Experts say that at some point you should stop tossing and turning and go do something until you get sleepy. But what can a person do all by herself in the dark... (lets pretend here that you readers don't have dirty minds). I can't read (requires more light than to write), can't watch TV... What then??... Crap!
Tuesday, February 02, 2010
Lady peaceful, lady happy*
Let me make something very clear: I'm rising above. Rather slowly, but rising nonetheless.
It took me years (and a very persisting Yoda) to stop being a prince charming on a white horse kinda girl. Like Fiona in the first half of Shrek. Which is not to say I'm fully out of the woods yet. I still dream of stuff.
But the big difference is that I don't crawl into bed for a month weeping until dark watching chick flicks and eating chocolate beyond what is humanly possible. And I'm not embellishing it. (Yes, I was a very, very sad person). Nor am I the person that hides in an underground bunker until all the lovebirds quiet it down and the media moves on to something else.
I can walk around. Yes, I quarantine a little. Which is to say a bit more than what I already do throughout the rest of the year. No chick flicks, no romantic music or musicals. No sappy novels. And loads of comedy. Bill Bryson. Spamalot. Avenue Q. The Big Bang Theory. The producers.
And I work more. And dance more. I don't spend too much time on my own. It's common knowledge I can't be trusted, so I keep people around me. I go out for coffee (*hint, hint*), I go to the movies, I talk on the phone.
It's a matter of balance, of being smart. If I'm more vulnerable, then I'll just surround myself with things what will keep a smile on my face. I might not be as strong as I wanted to, but I can take care of myself. And there's a sense of pride about it that kinda makes it a little better.
It took me years (and a very persisting Yoda) to stop being a prince charming on a white horse kinda girl. Like Fiona in the first half of Shrek. Which is not to say I'm fully out of the woods yet. I still dream of stuff.
But the big difference is that I don't crawl into bed for a month weeping until dark watching chick flicks and eating chocolate beyond what is humanly possible. And I'm not embellishing it. (Yes, I was a very, very sad person). Nor am I the person that hides in an underground bunker until all the lovebirds quiet it down and the media moves on to something else.
I can walk around. Yes, I quarantine a little. Which is to say a bit more than what I already do throughout the rest of the year. No chick flicks, no romantic music or musicals. No sappy novels. And loads of comedy. Bill Bryson. Spamalot. Avenue Q. The Big Bang Theory. The producers.
And I work more. And dance more. I don't spend too much time on my own. It's common knowledge I can't be trusted, so I keep people around me. I go out for coffee (*hint, hint*), I go to the movies, I talk on the phone.
It's a matter of balance, of being smart. If I'm more vulnerable, then I'll just surround myself with things what will keep a smile on my face. I might not be as strong as I wanted to, but I can take care of myself. And there's a sense of pride about it that kinda makes it a little better.
*that's what I'd like to be...
Maybe this time, Cabaret
The mine field month
February is bad month.
Of all the months in a year this is one where depression's most likely to strike the hardest. I wished I was stronger than this, I really do. But since I'm not why fake it? I'm better off just admiting it and leaving it out in the open.
It's the freaking Valentine. Well, not the day itself - I couldn't care less about it (yay for small victories). Rather it's the incessant obsession of the media and marketing. Seriously, - and this is not one of those bitter spinster comments - but all the hearts and stuffed animals... I mean, seriously??? I could puke!
And to make matters worse my birthday's just a week after Valentine's. It's like having a humongous clock ticking over my head. I could very well ignore it ten years ago. Now it's not all funny.
I can't deal with it as well as I wanted to. I wanted to be all grown up and independent about it, to toss my hair and say who cares? It would make me proud. Sadly I'm not there yet. So I choose to blurt it out and lay out a plan.
Stupid month...
Of all the months in a year this is one where depression's most likely to strike the hardest. I wished I was stronger than this, I really do. But since I'm not why fake it? I'm better off just admiting it and leaving it out in the open.
It's the freaking Valentine. Well, not the day itself - I couldn't care less about it (yay for small victories). Rather it's the incessant obsession of the media and marketing. Seriously, - and this is not one of those bitter spinster comments - but all the hearts and stuffed animals... I mean, seriously??? I could puke!
And to make matters worse my birthday's just a week after Valentine's. It's like having a humongous clock ticking over my head. I could very well ignore it ten years ago. Now it's not all funny.
I can't deal with it as well as I wanted to. I wanted to be all grown up and independent about it, to toss my hair and say who cares? It would make me proud. Sadly I'm not there yet. So I choose to blurt it out and lay out a plan.
Stupid month...
Monday, February 01, 2010
On shore
Today reason has won. It makes me sad. Responsible but sad. I reasoned, I weighed pros and cons and in the end decided against my own will. It was the right thing to do. So I pat myself on the back and say there there. Right now responsibility sucks.
Today a new project sails without me.
Today a new project sails without me.
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