61 # 122

happy hallowe'en

60 # 122

saudades do pós-treino

59 # 122

regresso a casa

Mea culpa

This is an important post. And I have no idea how to begin.

Ok, first of all, when it comes to my personal life I'm a total blabbermouth. Which isn't exactly new information for people following this blog. If I have a headache I'll post about it, if I have a splinter or a papercut, if I'm moody, if I'm anxious, or sad, or happy. Pretty much any 'if' would do. Many would say I'm winny and/or have too much time on my hands. To them I say: 'I don't care' (of course, all of you who come here on a regular basis would say I do care. And you'd be right).

Second, when I put my mind to it I can be worse than a dog with a bone. I won't let it go. Ever. And the sad thing is, once you get obsessed about something, the world around you starts to shrink until there's only you and the damned bone. And maybe there are other ways to get results; it's no good. By then I can't think outside the box. There's only me and the bone.

Third, this place is a dump. Seriously! All my online pages are used not only to communicate, but mainly to release stuff. Stress. Fear. Paranoia. You name it. Because writing makes it better. So I put everything in here, all sorts of rubbish. (If I really depended on people's feedback I'd have stopped writing a long time ago!)

Also, sometimes when I love people I tend to overload them. I forget to give them space to breathe. Which is a big mistake, and usually I keep it under reasonable control. This was the odd exception.

And I'm struggling. Most of everything around me is changing and that leaves me all the more anxious and insecure. My relationship with my family feels like it's hanging by a thread, I miss my other family terribly and then there's the other issue that's been keeping me awake at night for quite a while now. This is not to say my problems are bigger that other people's. It's just that they're my problems and I've been having trouble coping with them.

So I directed all of that towards one simple thing.

And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I pressured you. I'm sorry if I came across as disturbed and obsessive-compulsive. I'm sorry I made such a big deal out of this. And if it's any consolation, it only came to this because I thought (and still do) that you're the right person for this job. Out of all my friends. It was your opinion I wanted to hear. It was that simple.

58 # 122

sometimes I wonder if I still am

A small big change

Nunca fui grande adepta de brancos ou acinzentados claros. Mas apeteceu-me mudar. Já que outras mudanças na minha vida requerem esforços de dimensões maiores e mais demoradas, que este mimo me sirva de incentivo. Vamos ver como me sinto com isto renovado...

Love is a many splendored thing

- Posso dizer-te uma coisa?

- Claro. - Mário apertou-lhe levemente o braço.

Tommy disse, num murmúrio quase inaudível:

- Amo-te.

Salto mortal, Marion Zimmer Bradley

57 # 122

sozinha e obcecada

O que vai no ouvido # 2

a tentar manter a moral alta e o stress reduzido

Yep, I remember this. And I miss you.

Naquele momento Tommy poderia ter rebentado, tantas eram as emoções a fervilhar dentro de si. Era um deles. Era ali o seu lugar. Toda a sua vida aprecia ter-se concentrado numa paixão mais violenta, mais pura e mais intensa que qualquer outra coisa que ele tivesse experimentado até então, ou que viesse a experimentar depois. Voltou a olhar para Mário e sorriu, a rebentar de felicidade. Desejou ser capaz de pensar em qualquer coisa adequada para dizer. Qualquer coisa que fizesse Mário perceber o que estavaa sentir. Mas não existe forma de se expressar sentimentos assim.

Salto mortal, Marion Zimmer Bradley

Diary of solitude

Segundo dia de solidão. De silêncio. Um dia perdido à espera de café. De dois dedos de conversa novamente adiados. Sinto-me desorientada e só. Apesar de seguir os planos. Não chega. Já tentei adivinhar-vos as palavras. Não consigo. E todas as noites o prelúdio do sono é o mesmo. Os sonhos são os mesmos. Seres-rémora que se colam a mim durante o resto do dia. Neste momento sou má companhia para mim. E aqui continuo. No silêncio.

56 # 122

salto para novas aventuras*

.

*There's a double meaning in that ;)

Typical...

Spent my day so far staring at my cellphone, waiting for it to ring.

Hermit

O dia de hoje foi um silêncio. Não houve vivalma. Não houve sons. Não houve mundo lá fora. Apenas páginas. E não me chega.

55 # 122

farta da palavra

54 # 122

uma noite inesquecível

Naked as we came*

Esta semana não me sentei no cadeirão verde. Onde ainda me estou a aprender a encaixar. Esta semana não houve epifanias. E começa a fazer-me falta. Começo a viciar-me no processo. Dos dedos que se ocupam com colares ou canetas em tiques nervosos que se prolongam enquanto a voz produz e reconstrói realidades. Da garganta seca por fiar pensamentos sem nunca parar. Cada vez mais se tornam quebradiços. A voz treme. E isso deixa-me tranquila. Faz-me sentir verdadeira. Faz-me sentir como um astronauta na lua.

.

*Iron & Wine

53 # 122

*catch up*

O que vai no ouvido

Uncharted territory

I don't know where we are. Whether we're moving in slow motion, or not moving at all. And I wish I knew. This is a game I suck at. For me there's no between the lines. And if there is, I won't budge until it's all black on white. This is no man's land. This is the amazing unknown. And I hate it.

52 # 122

a happy, happy meal :)

I am a leaf on the wind

- watch how I soar.

I am what you have made me*

Hoje o acordar foi ríspido. Foi como me saudaste; com cobras e lagartos. E recomeça. Estou farta de estratagemas mentais. Estou cansada. Faço-o desde pequena, tornou-se um hábito. E quando as pessoas perguntam Mas para quê essa necessidade de estares sempre a justificar tudo??, pois, isso vem de ti. De crescer contigo. Viver com pessoas de Direito não é fácil. A minha casa é o banco dos réus. Não tenho direito a ter advogado que meta água na fervura. Tenho de fazer a minha própria defesa. E isso deixa-me esgotada. Ter de responder porque sim e porque não, porque é que ocorreu e porque é que não se passou, saber na ponta da língua onde se esteve no dia x ou y, guardar incessantemente todos os factos e nunca os colocar em prateleiras de difícil acesso. Depois chamam-me rancorosa. Dizem que sou pouco afectuosa contigo e que estou sempre disposta a ripostar e a contra-argumentar até por meia dúzia de feijões. Mas é assim mesmo; isso faz parte da educação implícita que me passaste.

.

*Estella, Great Expectations, Charles Dickens

51 # 122

dia passado entre notas e citações

50 # 122

mimos nocturnos

Some dreams you really don't want to wake up from

Croce e delizia al cor

The first time I saw La Traviata I fell in love with it. I got home, dug out one of my dad's oldest cds and throughout that whole Winter that opera was all that could be heard coming from my bedroom. This was in 2003, if I remember correctly. By then I didn't sing or dance, so my Marianne side ran wild and quite unopposed. Those were different days. For years my life was something like that Winter. All made out of music and dreams. With the coming of Spring I kinda let it go and moved on to another quite saneless and depressive obsession. I'm not that girl anymore. And yet she's still here. Sometimes overthrowing my present self. Somedays it feels like so little has changed. I still have the urge to dug it out and click on play. The difference is that even though I might, I probably won't. And that's all I have to cling on to.

Here's a thought that doesn't leave

I miss you so much it hurts. And the thought of now being an outsider doesn't help much either.

49 # 122

no dia da tua partida resolvi-me por um abatanado ;)

48 # 122

a cor de uma promessa

Loads must be carried

Some wounds shouldn't close. I want to remember the pain. To carry it with me so that I'll never ever let myself slip again. Until it is all undone, all wounds must be open. So many parts of me are dying. Therefore I must carry the guilt and the responsability. To look openly at my own reckage, stare it in the eye and never forget. Until I'm back on my feet forgiveness is not an opinion. I was lost, but now am found. And there are many miles I now have to tread again.

47 # 122

de t-shirt a observar decorações de Natal

46 # 122

mergulho ao passado

Through my veins

Estou sem sono. Fui buscar o mp3 para ver se adormecia à força e ao embalo de uma mazurka. Escusado será dizer que foi um verdadeiro tiro no pé! Já não danço ritmo que seja desde o Andanças. E às tantas já nem sei se é bem, se é mal. Penso e tento meter na cabeça que isto é um hiato necessário. Tento acreditar que consigo viver sem dançar. Por vezes acredito. Acredito que os serões caseiros me bastam. Mas depois veem as scottisch que me deixam o coração num pisa papéis. Sinto novo oxigénio a entrar-me no corpo e o sangue parece ganhar uma razão renovada para pulsar. Vivo. Enérgico. E quando páro é uma asfixia. Sinto o vício a despertar e falta-me o ar. Os pulmões esmifram-se por algo que não conseguem obter. Então sei-o na pele: não posso, não consigo, nem quero viver sem isto.

45 # 122

cinco meses passam a correr

It's just coffee

When at last my turn came, I stepped up and said: 'I'd like a large cup of coffee.'

'What kind?'

'Hot and in a cup and very large.'

'Yeah, but what kind - moccha, macchiato, what?'

'I want whichever one is a normal cup of coffee.'

'You want americano?'

'If that means a normal cup of coffee, then yes.'

'Well, they're all coffees.'

'I want a normal cup of coffee like millions of people drink every day.'

'So you want an americano?'

'Evidently.'

'Do you want low-cal whipped cream or regular with that?'

'I don't want whipped cream.'

'But it comes with whipped cream.'

'Look', I said in a low voice, 'it is six ten a.m. I have been standing for twenty-five minutes behind fifteen seriously indecisive people, and my flight is being called. If I don't get some coffee right now, I am going to murder someone, and I think you should know that you are extremely high on my list.'

Notes from a big country, Bill Bryson

44 # 122

estudando e procrastinando

Seasonal closure

I hate this weather we're having. Seriously, enough with the sunshine already! It's the middle of October and I hear people talking about going to the beach. I mean, seriously??? Where's the rain, the cloudy days, the chilly nights? What about that early mist at seven a.m.? All the Autumn goodness can't be enjoyed with this Summer heat still lingering. I wanted to start anew again. Forget that person that is so last season and reinvent myself. Tough thing to do when Autumn doesn't really feel like kicking in. And I need seasonal closure!

43 # 122

the end

Happy Birthday dad

Pea-guy and grampa

Parafraseando Grey, o meu avô era o homem que se sentava à minha frente e me obrigava a comer as ervilhas todas. Não se pode dizer que a sua (in)existência me afecte muito. Em quase todos os aspectos quem morreu há um ano foi o pai do meu pai e da minha tia, irmão da minha tia-avó. No entanto há uma excepção; algo que tornava o homem no meu avô. Música clássica. É o nosso cordão umbilical, o que nos une, o que faz de nós parentes de sangue. Por isso, cada vez que oiço música clássica sinto-me regressar a casa. Ao núcleo. À família, àquilo que nos é comum. Que há realmente um ramo para mim na árvore genealógica.

It's 1984 in America

I wanted to grab him by the lapels and explain to him that it was because of this kind of thinking that chocolate in America has no kick, white bread tastes like wadding, and cheese has a hundred names ( colby, Monterey jack, cheddar, American, provolone) but just one flavour, one texture and one vivid yellow hue.

But I could see there was no point. He was like one of the pod people in Invasion of the Body Snatchers. The forces of blandness has captured his spirit and there was no getting it back. He had become a McPerson.

Notes from a big country, Bill Bryson

42 # 122

maratona de papel

Presentation is everything

Music- a troubled relationship

I love music. It just so happens that everytime I say it I feel like a fraud. Why? Because I seldom listen to it. Unfortunately I'm one of those people whose brain can't function properly if there's someone singing. Which sucks - big time! I dread the time I spend studying or reading all the more cause I have to spend it in silence. I've tried many times. Heck, I was happily listening to Queen's Dont stop me now until I started writing this and had to click on the mute button. It's no good. I simply can't have another voice entering my brain when I'm trying to think! So this means that I'm stuck with instrumental music. When I'm doing some kind of intelectual work all I'll allowed to listen to is classical music (which, granted, can be quite soothing), a jazz collection and a few yoga-ish cds. Needless to say that after the 13th time I can't stand it anymore.

I'm also quite the musical ignorant. And I'm okay with that. I never watch videoclips. I listen to the radio only when I'm driving (unless I'm getting sleepy; for that I must have The Beatles or Spamalot). When I actually do put on some music (meaning when I'm not working or reading or watching TV) it's usually some musical or other. Innovation has little meaning to me, music-wise. Basically, I add whatever I like from the Grey's Anatomy OST to my playlist and that's about it.

When I like something I can have it on shuffle for days until I can hear it no more. Ever again. The I move to another song (or small - and often random - selection of songs) and repeat the whole process. Again, again, again. And again. And that's the way I roll.

Nowadays I'm trying to walk a bit more. Weekly errands on foot. To college, to singing rehearsals, to the shrink. It's my privileged me-and-music time. Yep, all non-instrumental, non-musical, non-danceable music listening is done in this time slot. And it makes me happy!

Technology for dummies... really...

Advice on Using the Spreadsheet Facility: Don't.

Troubleshooting Section: You will have many, many problems with your computer. Here are some common problems and their solutions.
Problem: My computer won't turn on.
Solution: Check to make sure the computer is plugged in; check to make sure the power button in the ON position; check the cables for damage; dig up underground cables in your garden and check for damage; drive out into the country and check electricity pylons for signs of fallen wires; call hotline.
Problem: My keyboard doesn't seem to have any keys.
Solution: Turn the keyboard the right way up.
[...]
Problem: My computer is a piece of useless junk.
Correct - and congratulations. You are now ready to upgrade to an Anthrax/3000 Turbo model, or to go back to pen and paper.

Notes from a big country, Bill Bryson

41 # 122

*there's no place I can be since I found Serenity*

Against the tide

Estou a tornar-me invisível. É o problema da reclusão; deixamos de sair e as pessoas vão-se esquecendo de nós. Isto seria muito fácil de aceitar se se pudesse simplesmente voltar a trás como se nada se tivesse passado. Mas não é assim tão linear. Mudar de direcção significa nadar contra a corrente. Resgatar território perdido. Significa um rol de (re)transformações demoradas. Parece que acordei de um sono profundo para encontrar castelos em ruínas. Os meus castelos. Já não reconheço os meus próprios músculos. Há hábitos que morreram quando não era suposto. Outros que deviam morrer. A minha voz está empoeirada. As pernas já não sabem (e muito menos aguentam) dançar. Tenho de me reaprender. De me recuperar. De me resgatar.

Who are you?

- [...] e quando vamos para o Outro Mundo o que queremos são orações; quantas mais melhor.


Afirmações destas quebram espelhos. Relembram-me que - apesar do sangue - somos tão diferentes. Eu não discuto. Discordo silenciosamente. Mas fica sempre aquela sensação de desfamiliaridade ao olhar para ti.

Time goes by so fast

Faz hoje um ano que o avô morreu.

40 # 122

hoje é sábado

Someone other than myself

'Who are you?' said the Catterpillar.
.
This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, 'I-I hardly know, sir, just at present - I least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.'

.

'What do you mean by that?' said the Caterpillar sternly. 'Explain yourself!'
.

I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, sir,' said Alice, 'because I'm not myself, you see.'

Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll

39 # 122

compras para a nossa octagenária

'You may have noticed that I'm not all there myself'

'Cheshire Puss [...] would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?'

'That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,' said the Cat.

'I don't much care where -' said Alice.

'Then it doesn't matter which way you go,' said the Cat.

'- so long as I get somewhere,' Alice added as an explanation.

'Oh, you're sure to do that,' said the Cat, 'if you only walk long enough.'

Alice felt that this could not be denied, so she tried another question. 'What sort of people live about here?'

'In that direction,'the Cat said, waving its right paw round, 'lives a Hatter: and in that direction,' waving the other paw, 'lives a March Hare. Visit either you like: they're both mad.'

'But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.

'Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: 'we're all mad here.

Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll

38 # 122

um livro e uma insónia

37 # 122

choveu no regresso a casa

Tuesday is now known as Geekday

I find it curious and amusing that my "science" class is on the same day I get to see The Big Bang Theory. It's geekday!

I believe...

"uma pessoa lendo vai a qualquer lado"

Pérolas de mestrado # 1

[...] a física da Terra é o que eu chamo de uma física de café com leite.

36 # 122

oficialmente Outono

Looking forward

Sinto-me feliz. Olhei para o céu cinzento e larguei para atrás os dias de Verão. Agora estou na espectativa das novas estações. Do cheiro das castanhas. Da chuva. Dos programas de Halloween. Dos filmes e livros no sofá. De programas caseiros com os amigos e o Buzz. Dos meus casacos quentes. Da manta que (ainda) não vai ser terminada este ano. Do chá. Das canecas a popularem a mesa do quarto. Dos cds que me embalam o estudo e as leituras. E mais tarde, do Inverno. Do Natal. Das decorações. Do cheiro adocicado pela casa. Do final do ano. Das resoluções para um novo recomeço. Hoje para o céu e vi que era finalmente Outono. E fiquei feliz.

Slow start

Sick, petty and whimsical

When it comes to being sick I'm like a three year old. I'm like Sheldon with the annoying kitty song. I love being tucked in bed, having soup and tea sent over to my bedroom and other very petty things. I cof a lot to get my share of attention and I make a fuzzy and sickly voice. I wander around the house in PJs wrapped around my blanket with the aliens and spaceships pattern (how very geek of me). I drink warm beverages from my Disney mug or - if it's Winter - from my Rudolph-shaped mug. But the greatest thing about being sick is watching TV in bed. I remember one year when it poured all day long and I never once got out of bed. I spent my day sleeping and watching re-runs of old 80s series (Alf, All in the family, Allo Allo and Family Ties). It is one of my cherished memories (when it comes to being sick, I mean). And of course, there's the Disney movies. Everytime I get sick I get me a few of my childhood movies and watch them in bed. It's what brings joy to seasonal flu. So on those few days a year I indulge in all harmless pettiness. And I guess that's what's in store for me tomorrow...

35 # 122

feriado com sessão dupla

34 # 122

doentinha

33 # 122

nas pinturas

On holidays

In America, the big eating holiday is Thanksgiving, at the end of November. Thanksgiving is a great holiday- probably the best holiday in America, if you ask me. (In case You've always wondered, it commemorates the first harvest feast at which the pilgrims sat down with the Indians to thank them for all their help and tell them, 'Oh, and by the way, we've decided we want the whole country') It is a great holiday because you don't have to give gifts or send cards or do anything but eat until you begin to look like a balloon that has been left on a helium machine too long.

The trouble is that it comes less than a month before Christmas. So when on 25 December Mom brings out another turkey, you don't go, 'Turkey! YIPEEE!' but rather, 'Ah, turkey again is it, Mother?' Under such an arrangement Christmas dinner is bound to come as an anticlimax.

Notes from a big country, Bill Bryson

32 # 122

às sextas o comando é meu

31 # 122

homónimas!

...yes, I'm that self-absorbed...

People

A meio da primeira aula do mestrado olhei em volta e apercebi-me de algo que - embora óbvio - ainda não me tinha ocorrido. Tenho uma turma. Uma. E não quatro por semestre. Mas uma. E deu-me vontade de sorrir. Estas pessoas vão estar no meu precurso durante um ano lectivo inteiro. São as minhas pessoas. Isto era algo que já não me acontecia desde o secundário. Isto de ver as mesmas pessoas em todas as aulas. E para quem - nos últimos anos - se foi habituando a ser um fantasma, a entrar e sair da sala sem dizer um pio, isto é algo de muito grande. Porque não sou uma pessoa fácil e sobretudo não sou uma pessoa acessível. Mas mais uma vez, parece que Deus resolveu piscar-me o olho.

Welcome note

Bem-vindo Outubro!